Memorial to my Baby Boy

written by Briantria Smocks- posted to social media 11/08/2021

You were 40 weeks, only 3 days past your guess date. You were healthy in-utero and born 7 lbs. 11 oz. Literally the day before I went into my birthing time, we had our weekly check where we saw and heard your heartbeat. Everything was fine.

Although I suffered immensely from uncomfortable symptoms during the entire pregnancy, every appointment and all our labs were perfect. At the beginning of October, I even went a step further by disconnecting from my phone, obligations, and all business just so I could be calm and at peace before your arrival. Your Dad and I were set to enjoy a natural birthing experience with the midwife and our exceptional doula. This time around, our mental and physical preparation were on point.

We received all our registry items and were beyond ready to bring you home. Your bassinet was by our bed, the car seat was installed, my breastfeeding/pumping station was set up in the living room, clothes from 0-9 months were folded in your drawer, your big brother was excited to share his room, and the list goes on. Our talent agency even wanted to sign you; you would've joined our entertainment endeavors at just a few weeks old. And with the holidays approaching, our family's visits would have been made even more special by your presence.

Our grief manifests like a swinging pendulum as we come to terms with this reality: from being in shock, to wailing, to thinking about your impact in such a short time, to enduring a form of bodily paralysis, back to streaming tears, then back to reminiscing about you and Levi's bond, to hoping about the future, to wondering about the what-ifs, and everything else in between. This loss is the greatest we've ever known: we did nothing to cause it and there was nothing we could have done to save you. Sometimes, tragedies just happen.

With the help of our community, we'll process how to move forward and discover genuine contentment again. And one thing is for sure...you will live in our hearts forever Arri Kenzo.